I know I am really putting myself out there by posting this, but isn't that what it is all about? So here we go. At church our Pastor read from 1 Samuel Chapter 3. It talks about how the Lord called out to Samuel 4 times before he listened. He had to be told by Eli that the Lord was calling him. Samuel then layed down and called out that he was listening.
While listing to the story I started thinking about the time that Lord started calling me. I was in HS and it was the summer of my Junior year and I was at a friends house and I started crying because I didn't know the Lord. My friends mom asked me if I wanted to, I said yes, she said you know what that means? I said no. She then started telling me and I freaked out. I was thinking I am not giving up on having fun, I can not be that good. So I turned my back.
Then that same summer the youth minister at the church left. The church then got divided on who to hire. There was so much judging on how people talked or dressed. Picked apart the message and twisted it into meanings that would make your head spin. That was if for me. I didn't need to be part of that. If that what being a Christin was about I didn't want it. I could still be a caring person with out them.
During the second the semester of my Junior year I met Justin. He was (still is) a great guy. We talked about church, I even ditched a Sunday evening service to hang with him. My church visits where sporadic at best We then started dating. During that time I met some of his friends, One was named Josh. One day Josh and Justin came to my house, Josh had his bible in his hand and decided to talk to about Jesus. The three of us talked for hours about my life. Talk about other people in my life. I said that I agree but no thanks. Still could not give up on things. The same time HS was pure torcher and many of the bullies went to church. They would be nice then turn on me the minute we walked out the doors. It was so confusing.
During my senior year I got pregnant. I later had a 2nd trimester miscarriage (my parents didn't even know that I was pregnant until the miscarriage). It was later learned that I had lost twins. Did I know that premarital sex was wrong, yes. Did I care, not really. After this my heart was dark, I think I hid it pretty well. Justin saw my self destruction and again him and Josh tried to bring me to the Lord.
Graduation came and went. I was now on my own and off as far as I could from Limestone county but within a safe distance to my family. Guess I was not far enough because many people from hell that had shown up there. I joined a Christian Sorority, can not tell you why, but it was where I fell lead to go. All I did was just beat myself up when there. (I do need to add that my Big Sis Nichole never left me. She saw my struggles and was encouraging. To this day she is a great friend that leads to me following the right path. She is the only one from the sorority that didn't turn on me when I left) I didn't feel like I was good enough even for them. Justin had also gone to SFA. During this time he had many demons he had to learn to deal with.
Not going into many details (because this could really be a book). I would say that SFA was a downward spiral for both of us. I can not say who was worse because it was two totally different situations. We got engaged, I got pregnant again, called of engagement. I went to my parents to get prenatal care and let Justin do his thing. I was ready to be a young mom at 19, alone. It was what I deserved. I was nothing better than that. My family was loving and think that the self destruction would have been worse if they didn't show me the love that they did. I thank them for that.
In August Justin and I got married. About two weeks later on Sept. 7th (on labor day no doubt) my first son was born. We got lucky, because he was the best baby anyone could ask for. Justin and I struggled as young parents over the next couple of years bringing in another son exactly two years later on Sept. 5th. We still struggled with our demons. I continued to fell like I was going to be nothing more than a statistic. I had no self esteem and was hating my life.
While pregnant with son number two I did mange to get a job as a CNA at Providence Hospital. I loved my job. It was my escape. I would work so much over time that some weeks where almost 80 hrs. That Dec. after he was born I got into the nursing program. Something started feeling right for me at this point. Between work and school I was hardly home. Some days were 36 hrs long going from school, to working a 12hr night shift, taking a shower at work, and going right back to school. Yep I managed to study at some point. Things with Justin didn't get better. The fighting, yelling, and behavior such as gambling and drinking.
Nursing graduation came and went. At this point I was plotting leaving my husband. A co-worker Amy offered me to stay in a small shack on her and her parents land. Boxes started to fill our trailer and he didn't even notice. JT was going to a Christian Pre-K by this time, at same church that my nursing ceremony had been held no doubt. I then got into the MOPS group, at the same church. But my heart really started to feel heavy. I had opted to get a duplex and leave my husband. Deposit had been paid and first two months rent. Then I went home to tell him things had to change and he had until October. I had started not working as much but was spending more time at the
church. It was my escape, my get out of the house and not be near him. My husband wanted to know were I was going so he started to
follow me. Then things started to change. He got a job and came to the duplex with me. He was attending church with us when he could. He started reading his bible and talking about Christ more.
At this same time things where ok at work. I had also friended a women named Kristen. She was very vocal about being a Christian and I had started to get comfortable. We would spend some shifts just talking about what it was like to be a Christian and the bible. Talked about mean people and how they needed help, guidance and prayer. Then she asked me if I had ever been saved. Had I asked Christ into my heart? I said no. She talked some more, and this time I listened. I was not scared. I was ready to change and get rid of the weight and burden in my life. I wanted something better.
Then it hit me. I was ready. So I prayed. I prayed alone. I cried. I cried alone. Suddenly I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. The "drama" was gone.
On July 11th, 2004 I was baptized. Kristen even came and brought me my first Bible.
Speed up to now. I am a mother of 5 and still the wife to Justin, almost 14 years now. I am still not perfect, but I am ok with that.
